These last few weeks have been pretty chilled - I've been trying to enjoy myself once in a while. Fuck it. Who am I kidding? I'm still not over it. Every fucking time I go out it's always on my mind. I couldn't sleep for days. I've never been like this before. The more I think of it the more I feel sick. I don't even know why the fuck I'm on here, slightly drunk, typing this shit - perhaps I feel the need to share my sorrows. I need to get this out of my system at some point because it's eating away at me; I know I'm malodramatic but seriously this shit is probably the lowest I've been ever. I thought alcohol could cure it but I'm still like this...

It's been a crazy ride since August last year, fuck, I've almost come full circle! I can't believe it's been a year since I started. This year has gone by so fast, I've learnt a lot and I've really improved as a person. In retrospect, this year was definitely the most productive year of my life. I'd like to think back on this as a positive thing in the future.

It was just one day. One single day. Maybe God wasn't on my side or perhaps it was the result of all the shit I did last year, but in the end, it was ultimately my fault. I've never tried so hard in my life and failed so hard. I'm happy for BZ - it was deserved. Life must go on and I guess I'll have to move on. I hope I'll get over it by the end of fresher's week and can finally let go.

I was having a scrubs marathon recently (watched 7 seasons in 12 days), some of the ending stuff JD comes up with is killer. They pretty sum up my year.

“The easiest way to lose something is to want it too badly.”

“Some people hide from who they really are, others accept who they are. But, sometimes, it’s the tough moments that help you realize who you’ve finally become.”

“I guess in the end, things seldom work out the way you expect. sometimes, fate is on your side. other times, well, you’ve kind of sealed your own fate. either way you have to trust that whatever’s supposed to happen, will happen. “

“The truth is, it is all your memories, the joyful ones and the heartbreaking ones that make up who you are as a person”

I need to get some sleep tonight. I'm off to France real soon. Should be awesome. Need something to take my mind off everything. I'm going to keep a journal - I'll report back when I find time. Peace out. MN

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I'm sick of my summer so far. I've done nothing productive. I know uni is just around the corner but I'm not as excited as I would like to be (I'm praying for Cambridge). I need to save this time while I still can. Starting tomorrow, I'm making changes. BIG changes. Seems like the only way to get anything done is to add the pressure myself. Whatever happens, at least I know I tried. I'll do anything to feel better about myself. This month will be mine. I'm fighting back. Nothing will get in my way. Temptation will not get the best of me. I'm not scared anymore.

I'll report back when I get back from France (2nd week of September). Wish me luck (I'll need it).

MN, signing out.

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I'm listening to: Nine Inch Nails (With Teeth/Slip)

I've been thinking a lot recently. There's been a lot going on. The last week has been full of ups and downs - it's driving me crazy. I don't know where to begin, one minute I'm playing golf for the first time, the next I'm depressed from failing to find employment... meh.

Went for a drink with RL, JV, RQ etc. on monday, bumped into JD, FC and OL. It was great seeing my gig buddies again (our drunken air-guitar and headbanging didn't go down too well in the club xD). We're going to see Soulfly in August \m/ (Max is the SHIT). Dark Knight, golf with RQ+JV, ping-pong for first time in a year, walking around giving in CVs, recording covers (and failing), jamming with XX, overdosing on scrubs and T:SCC.... that's pretty much my week. I'm boring.

I'm really getting into all this music stuff again. Haven't jammed properly since pre exam panic period (mid April) so I was really hyped up for it again. We've been getting together every friday now, I'm starting think it might actually work out next year (depends on exam results and where I go). Some of the shit XX has come up with is actually pretty cool, most of it sounds the same but at least we're getting somewhere. I still remember the first time I jammed with OL back in 2006; we played "Ace of Spades" and "My Own Summer". I was pretty shit back then (struggling with the solo in the former) and she was just starting out on bass, it's amazing how much we've improved since then. As soon as Moppy learns how to sing properly we'll be kicking ass :D

I know it's pretty sad but I wasted like 4-5 hours trying to record a cover of "No one else" by Weezer. It's one of my favourite songs, didn't sound very hard to play so I thought I'd give it a shot. I used the built-in mics on my new lappy and audacity. End result? It sounds like shit. The guitars and the solo didn't take long at all to do but the fucking vocals.... omfg. I never thought I was THIS bad at singing until I listened to myself through headphones. Ended up piecing together the best takes but that still sounded bad. Guess I'll stick to the good old six stringer :)

After that fateful afternoon in late June, I've not been the same. What happened to the drive and determination? What happened to not letting my friends down? What happened to the passion and love? It's draining away. I've been trying to find ways to block it out but eventually I'll have to face up to it. A year ago, I was having the time of my life with my friends in China. A year on, what have I achieved? Self-assessment isn't my forte but there's very little that comes to mind. I miss being 16.
"It's not who you are underneath, it's what you do that defines you"

That probably didn't make any sense, I've not had enough sleep; and oh, besides, it's my first post here.

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I'll be using this site when I feel the need to get stuff in my head out in writing and when I'm bored (so updates will vary depending on time of year).

If you know me then it would be great if you didn't reveal my real identity. I've used a very simple algorithm when I mention my friends, it's pretty obvious.

This site is pretty cool, initially I thought I'd have to make a new template or something but I've been quite busy so that'll have to wait.

Thanks to Kuri for recommending me here (blogspot sux)

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